Run
by Kat03
Summary: Carter and Abby face the truth


Title: Run

Author: Saskia Albert  

Category: Abby/Carter, Drama/Romance

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Seasons 6, 7 and 8

Archive: Yep, just drop me a note

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own any of ER's characters and I don't claim anything. I'd love    

                    to own Carter, though. g

Author notes: Please note that English is not my native language, so don't flame me for any mistakes. Did my best  ;-) 

Summary: Abby and Carter face the truth

…..

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason 

To feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh, beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty and weightless 

And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

(Sarah McLachlan – Angel)

Run

By Saskia Albert

......

County General Hospital

Chicago

Monday, 15th November 2001

9:45 am

"It's nothing serious, Mr Lorney. You're going to be alright in a few days," Dr. Peter Benton said with a light smile on his face after he'd studied the patient's x-rays. "We just have to bring you straight into the operation room and get you prepared for the surgery as soon as possible."

The old man sitting in front of him nodded in relief and took Dr. Benton's hand. 

"Thanks, doctor."

"No problem. I'll see you in about an hour," Peter answered shortly when he turned to leave. He took the x-rays and handed them out to Abby Lockhart who had been standing near the door, writing down the diagnosis on a chart she was holding in her hand.

"He gets 5 mg morphine," Benton said, walking in Abby's direction.

Abby nodded. "Shall I inform the surgery, too?" She looked up at Benton as they were leaving the exam room.

"Um… no, I'll do that myself. I have a meeting with Romano, soon, so it's on my way."

"A meeting with Romano? Good luck then."  Abby couldn't resist a light smile. Whoever had a meeting with Dr. Robert "The Rocket" Romano, wasn't actually on the lucky side. He could be a real jerk sometimes. She'd never had any trouble with him herself but from all Elizabeth Corday had told her and from all she had seen whenever he was around in the ER, she knew that it was definitely not quite fun working with him. He was an excellent doctor, though. From a medical point of view, he was probably the best surgeon Abby had ever got to know. 

"Yeah,  I'll need it, I'm afraid", Peter replied.

"I'll keep my fingers crossed."

"Thanks." Peter shouted back at her as he was heading for the elevator.

Abby turned around, made her way to the reception desk and yawned. She was tired. God, was she tired. She didn't have much sleep last night. Every time she was lying in her bed, trying to doze off, millions of thoughts suddenly started to go through her head and there was absolutely nothing she could do to prevent it. Too many things had happened during the passed few months and honestly, she wasn't really satisfied with the way things used to work out for her recently. She felt that something wasn't right in her life but she couldn't exactly make out what it was. All she knew was that everything that could have gone wrong, finally went wrong. First of all, her relationship with Luka had been no real relationship from the beginning on and it had taken her a long time to admit this to herself. She knew that whatever it had been that had once attracted her to Luka, it hadn't been love in the true sense of love. Of course, she'd always loved Luka and she knew that he'd always loved her but it had been passionless, emotionless. Whenever emotions had been involved, it had resulted in nothing but anger and endless arguments. Yet, one thing Abby was sure about was that she'd felt safe with Luka. She had been safe from being hurt by him, from being asked too many questions, from careing too much about her, from letting him touch her soul and her heart. He couldn't hurt her because they'd never been close enough. He could never have touched her soul because she'd never let him. And he'd never let her. It had been convenient for both because there had been no chance of getting hurt by the respective other and despite, they had always had someone at their side, someone just to be there, to avoid the upcoming feeling of loneliness. Of course, now, after she and Luka had broken up, Abby still cared about him. She didn't exactly know why but she did. Maybe she was too scared of being alone again. Maybe. 

Anyway, right now, she was glad Luka had gone on holiday some days ago and would be away for a few weeks, so she wouldn't have to meet him at work for some time. 

Something else that was always somehow on Abby's mind and causing her sleepless nights was her relationship respectively friendship with Carter and the way things had worked out between them. A few months ago, they'd been close friends but now, after she andCarter had more or less revealed their feelings for each other? What had remained? They avoided each other whenever it was possible at work or outside and above all - they didn't talk anymore. Well, they did but not the way they used to talk to each other some months ago. Their conversations were limited to formal greetings and the usual medical talk whenever they had to work together during the same shifts. Sometimes, Abby had felt a strong urge to talk to him, to talk about all the things they'd shared some time ago. She'd just tell him about a new movie she'd seen and a new neighbour she'd got, about an AA meeting she'd attended or just make a stupid remark about his new haircut and the old-fashioned tie he was wearing - but now? She couldn't even greet him without feeling uncomfortable in his presence. How did they go there? And Abby had the painful impression that apparently, Carter didn't seem to be much interested in her life and in having a conversation with her at all. Again, strange thoughts were coming to her mind. Did she hurt him somehow? Did it hurt him when she told him that he'd have to find a virgin if he was looking for someone without any history? And why had he been so pissed after she'd told him that she'd broken up with Luka? Wasn't that what he'd always wanted? Well, why should he be interested in talking to her anyway? He'd found someone else to share his thoughts and feelings with, right? Why should he talk to her when he could talk to Susan Lewis, an old friend, someone he'd known for years?

Abby sighed. Why did it all have to be that complicated? Maybe her life was destined to be complicated, for what reason ever. She yawned again as she finally reached the reception desk. Dropping the chart and the x-rays she'd been carrying with her on the desk, she glanced at Dave who was sitting behind the desk and staring at her while enjoying a cup of coffee.

Abby looked up and said in a tired voice, "What is it, Dave?"

"You look like crap, Ab. No offence." He gave her his infamous Dr. Dave - smile. 

"Thanks Dave. You look great, too."

"I know." He smirked.

Abby shook her head, leant against the wall and closed her eyes for a short while.

She'd always used to appreciate Dave's wicked sense of humor but right now, she just wished he'd keep his mouth shut. She knew that this was almost against all odds, though.

"Didn't get much sleep, uh?"  

Abby grinned and opened her eyes again. She'd been right. 

"Nope."

"You know what? You need some coffee. Wanna try?" Dave smiled at her, offering her his coffee mug.

Abby raised an eyebrow at him.

"What's the price, Dave?"

"What are ya on about, Ab? You really think I'd claim something for it?" 

"To be honest: Yeah. I know you, Dr. Malucci."

"Really, Abby. You can have it." He held the cup under her nose and Abby inhaled the delicious, tempting smell of hot coffee.

Abby rolled her eyes.

"Dave…."

"So what?" He gave her the most innocent look he could give her.

"Daaaaaveeee….what do I have to do to get the coffee?"

"Nothing, really."

Abby was about losing her patience and wanted to leave when Dave quickly leant over the desk and took hold of her arm.

"Okay, maybe a little favor?"

"Aha. Which is what?"

"Hmmm…." Dave hesitated for a moment.

"Maybe…. You take my next patient? Diarrhoe in room 3?"

Now Abby couldn't help but laugh.

"No way, Dr. Malucci."

"But Abby…." Dave pleaded.

"Not your lucky day, today, Dave?", Susan Lewis commented when she arrived at the reception desk and made herself comfortable on a chair next to Dave.

Dave gazed at the blonde doctor with a questioning expression on his face. 

"Coffee?" He now offered the cup to Susan. 

"Dave, go", she shortly answered.

Dave stood up, took a chart and his coffee cup and was about making his way to the next patient when he suddenly turned around to look again at Susan.

"Last chance, Dr. Lewis."

"GO, Dave!" She shouted back at him, smiling.

Dave shrugged his shoulders, mumbled something and finally strolled slowly down the hall. 

Then Susan pointed at Abby.

"You didn't actually consider to take his coffee, did you?"

Abby laughed.

"No, certainly not. I don't like to have a deal with the devil."

Now Susan had to laugh.

"Yeah, I know what you mean", she said and started studying some reports.

Abby stood there and kept staring at Susan. She somehow liked her. Yes, she really liked her. And she could understand too well why Carter liked her. Somehow, she was so much like John. She was nice, friendly and she had the same kind of humor Carter used to have. Something she'd always appreciated when hanging around with him. Having a laugh with Carter had often made her day. 

Abby was completely lost in her thoughts when suddenly, she felt a hand resting on her shoulder. 

"Hey Abby."

Abby whirled around at the sound of Mark Greene's voice.

"Uhh…hey Mark." She rubbed her eyes and yawned again.

"Tired?"

"Kind of." 

"I see." 

"Um….Abby there's something…. I must talk to you. It'll probably be better we'll do that in the staff room. It's…um…private", Mark stuttered.

Abby glanced at him, confused, but followed him as he lead her into the staff room.

Mark closed the door and looked down on the ground. Apparently, he didn't know how to start. Abby tucked her hands into the pockets of her purple nurse's dress and said, "It's something serious, right?" 

Mark kept standing near the door but now looked at Abby.

"I'm afraid….yes."

Abby couldn't stand Mark's hesitation any longer and looked at him intently.

"Mark, what is it?!"

Mark went towards Abby and offered her a seat.

"Maybe it's better you'll sit down, Abby."

Now she was even more confused. She figured it had to be something really serious Mark was trying to tell her. And now, she wasn't even quite sure anymore whether she'd actually like to hear it but nonetheless, she finally sat down and was curious about what he had to say.

"Abby…", Mark took the chair next to her.

"Abby, I've been searching for you to tell you that…um…something has happened last night. Something I'm scared of to tell you…", Mark kept stuttering.

"Last night? Mark, please…", Abby moved nervously on her chair. Then Mark laid his hand on hers.

"Abby, I got a call some minutes ago from the Minnessota Police Department."

Abby shivered at the word 'Minnessota'. 

"Minnessota? Is something wrong with Maggie? What happened? Is she missing again? Is she here in Chicago? What…."

But Mark interrupted her.

"No… no…Abby, they….she….there was a car crash and she….", Mark Greene took a deep breath before he finally finished his sentence.

"…Abby, your mom is…she is dead. I'm sorry."

Abby felt her heart sinking into her pants at hearing these words and suddenly, her whole body began to tremble, she was freezing and sweating all over.

"What? But when…I mean… how…that can't be…" Abby slowly stood up although she could barely move.

Mark stood up, too, and laid his arm around her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Abby. I'm really sorry." He didn't know what else to say or do. He hated to inform people about a patient's death but it was even worse to inform someone he knew well about a relative's death. 

Then he continued, "Abby, maybe…if you want to go home…take some days off… I'll talk with Kerry."

Still paralized, Abby didn't listen to what he was saying. 

She suddenly raised her eyes up at Mark.

"Hm? Oh. Yes. Yes. Thanks. I should better go now. Yes." Mark watched her slowly going to her locker, taking her black leather coat out of it and putting it on and followed her as she was walking to the door. As they were standing in the hall, Mark once again asked Abby whether she was really ok but Abby just nodded and thanked him. He was worried about her. She was acting weird and too composed in his opinion. He went back to the reception desk and he and Susan watched Abby passing by and going to the exit. 

…...

"Hey everybody." John Carter arrived at the reception desk, pulled out a pen of his pocket and signed a report when suddenly, he noticed Abby passing by. She was wearing her coat and taking her bag with her, so he wondered whether she was about to leave.

"Hey Abby, you off?" He tried to get her attention but Abby react and kept walking straight to the exit. "Abby?" He tried again but she didn't turn around. What was that? Was she now completely ignoring him? Sure, their relationship hadn't been quite relaxed for the passed months but she'd never actually REFUSED talking to him. Carter couldn't understand her behaviour and glanced over his shoulder at Susan who just shrugged her shoulders. Then he moved closer to Mark and pointed at Abby.

"Something wrong with her?"

…..

Abby walked towards the doors but kept her eyes fixed on the ground. Marks words were echoing again and again in her head. She's dead. She's dead, Abby. That couldn't be. No, that couldn't be. Maybe everything was a dream and she'd soon be woken by her alarm clock and realize that it was nothing but a nightmare and things were still fine. But then she heard the words again. She's dead. Your mother is dead. 

"Noooooooooo!!!!!!!"

Abby awoke from her apathy with a scream. She suddenly realized that she was not the protagonist of her own nightmare. It was all real. She'd lost her mother. Tears were rolling down her cheeks uncontrollably, her face got pale and she felt her legs weaken. Her bag slid out of her hand and fell on the floor while Abby fell on her knees, covering her face with her hands and crying exhaustibly. 

…..

Before he could receive an answer from Mark, Carter was thrilled by a loud scream that came from near the entrance doors. The voice was familiar to him. He looked around and saw Abby kneeling on the floor, burrying her face in her hands and crying. "What the hell…. ABBY!" He shouted in her direction and without hesitating, Carter started running towards her. Mark and Susan followed, running after him. 

Reaching Abby, Carter quickly knelt down in front of her and grabbed her shoulders. "Abby, what's wrong for god's sake? Abby!" But she didn't react. Abby kept crying and crying and didn't look up. He wasn't even sure whether she'd realized he was talking to her. 

"Mark, what the hell's going on here?", Carter asked when Mark and Susan arrived some seconds later. 

Mark knelt down next to Abby while Susan called out for Malique and Haleh to keep the staring crowds away. 

"Her mom died in a car crash last night. I'd just told her…", Mark said with a soft voice in Carter's direction just so nobody else would hear the horrible news. 

Carter couldn't trust his ears and his jaw dropped as he listened to Marks words.

"Maggie?" He looked at Mark as if he was hoping that he would deny it. But Mark nodded and bowed his head.

"Oh god", was all Carter could say. His eyes focused on Abby. He didn't know what to say or whether to tell her something that would calm her. No, it would be impossible to calm her. He moved closer towards Abby and hugged her carefully. He was afraid to touch her, to be so close after all the things that had happened between them during the passed months. He didn't even know what made him reacting this way. It was just an impulse. Something deep inside him told him he'd to do it. Carter told himself that this was not happening. He couldn't believe Maggie was dead. Some months ago, they'd tried their best to safe her life and now – she was dead. He couldn't believe it. He'd always liked Maggie. She'd been a nice person despite all the bad things she'd said and done to Abby whenever she'd refused to take her pills and consequently had had one of her depressions afterwards. Carter knew that deep inside her heart, this woman had been a warm-hearted person. Like Abby. Why did it have to happen to her? Just as she'd been about to start a therapy, a new life? His hands wandered slowly up and down Abby's back while she kept her head buried in his embrace. He could feel her tears moistening his blue shirt. "It's okay….it's okay…", he whispered softly but Abby didn't react and didn't move nor did she return the hug. She was close but she was so far away.

They sat there for a while until Abby finally quickly pulled away. She didn't want that. She had to get out of here. She didn't want anybody to stare at her, to comfort her, to tell her how sorry everyone was. And especially not Carter. What did he think he was doing here anyway? Was it just another attempt to evoke a bad conscience in her? Abby grabbed her bag and stood up. She tried to wipe away the tears with her hand and without looking at Carter who was still kneeling on the ground, staring at her in surprise, she said, "Sorry. I'm sorry."  Without even hesitating, she left the hall and hurried outside.

Carter jumped to his feet and was about running after her when Susan held him back. 

"Carter! Don't. Let her be alone." Susan looked into his eyes.

"But…", he wanted to answer but was interrupted by Mark.

"Susan's right, Carter. You can't help her at the moment. Believe me, it's okay."

"Nothing's okay. Nothing!", Carter replied harshly, "Nothing at all." Angrily, he loosened his wet tie, threw it on the ground and headed for the staff room. Mark and Susan looked at each other, both not knowing what to say. Then Susan walked back to the reception desk without saying one more word.

"What a day," Mark told himself and sighed. 

He suddenly noticed all the people who had been following the whole scenario were still standing there, staring at him.

"Okay guys, the show's over."

…….

Susan Lewis' apartment

Thursday, 18th November 2001

Chicago

9:15 pm

"Here." Susan came out of the kitchen, putting a glass of milk she was holding in her hand on the small table in front of Carter and making herself comfortable next to him on the little leather couch.

Carter looked up. "Thanks."

"Did I miss something?"

"What?" Carter hadn't listened to what Susan had said and looked at her in astonishment.

Susan pointed with her finger at the TV where an old movie was shown.

"The movie. Did I miss something?"

"Oh…uhh…no, I don't think so." He took a sip of the milk Susan had brought him and put the glass back on the table, trying to keep his eyes focused on what was happening on the TV screen.

"You tired?"

Carter looked at Susan.

"Uh, a little bit, yeah."

Susan grinned roguishly.

"Then you should better increase your coffeine consumation quickly just so you won't fall asleep in…" She took a short look at her watch. "…in two hours."

"Two hours? Why two hours?" Carter didn't know what she was referring to.

Susan stopped grinning.

"Your shift. Remember? You're a doctor, Mr Carter. Working at the County General, taking Mark's shift in two hours."

Carter sat up and stroke both his hands through his dark hair. 

"Dammit. Almost forgot it. Sorry."

Susan shook her head and sighed, then gently placed her hand on his knee.

"Carter, where are you? What's wrong with you at the moment?"

"What do you mean Susan? I'm tired. That's all. Too many additional shifts this week. Sorry."

"No. I don't mean the extra shifts. Carter… I mean….I'm sitting here next to you, talking to you, kissing you but you're not here", She sounded concerned.

"I'm here. Look." Carter placed a gentle kiss on her cheek and smiled slightly.

Susan shook her head.

"No, you're not. Your body's here. But where are YOU? I can't get through to you."

Carter bowed his head and looked on the ground. He knew she was right. And he was ashamed. Ashamed of himself because he didn't have the guts to tell her about it. She didn't deserve that but he couldn't do anything against it and he just didn't want to talk about it. But it was worrying her, so he finally began to speak.

"I'm sorry. It's just….", he paused and gazed at her.

"What's bothering you, Carter? Tell the doctor…", she grinned at him but Carter could barely force himself to smile. 

"Ah well, it's really not worth talking about…"

"It's Abby", Susan shortly remarked and the smile on her face suddenly and slowly disappeared. 

Carter looked at her for a second, then looked back on the ground.

"You're worried about her, right?"

He took a deep breath before answering. She was right. He DID worry about Abby. 

"I haven't heard anything from her since Monday. I just wonder whether she's okay and whether…"

"Call her", Susan cut him short.

Carter looked up.

"No. I can't."

"You can't?" She raised her eyebrow at him.

"She wouldn't want that, Susan."

"She wouldn't want that? You're a friend, not a stranger. And you're worried and care about her. You always did and she didn't complain so far."

Carter began to play nervously with tie.

"Yeah, but things have changed, Susan. I'm probably the last person she'd seek comfort from. She wouldn't open up. It wouldn't work. Never."

Susan moved a few inches away from Carter, crossed her arms and watched him for a while.

"You know what your problem is, Carter? NOTHING has changed. And you're aware of that."

"What?!"

Carter suddenly felt uncomfortable. He didn't know what she was on about and he wasn't quite sure whether he'd like to hear it, either.

"Carter, are you worried because she didn't call you or are you pissed because she didn't call you?" 

The expression on Carter's face changed from surprised to shocked. Feeling more and more uncomfortable, he nervously stroke a hand through his hair again.

"What are you on about?"

Susan sighed and looked straight into Carter's eyes.

"You know what I'm on about, Carter." She stood up, her eyes still fixed on Carter.

"I'm talking about your true feelings for Abby."

Oh – my - god. Carter was shocked by her directness although he should have been used to it concerning Susan. On the other hand, he'd no real reason to be shocked, though, did he? There was nothing to hide regarding possible feelings for Abby. He felt his hands sweating and a cold shiver ran down his spine. He tried to calm himself down but failed. He'd no reason to be nervous. Did he? Susan knew that there was absolutely nothing going on between him and Abby but…where would this conversation lead to? He pressed his hands together as his eyes followed Susan who was now slowly walking to the window.

"My what? True feelings?" Carter laughed.

"Susan, we are friends. Well, we WERE friends and I don't know to what extent we are still friends right now but that's it. For god's sake – I haven't even talked to her for ages. I told you I was worried about her. What do you expect anyway?"

"Honesty. You don't have to be honest towards me but you should at least try to be honest towards yourself, Carter."

"Susan…" He stood up and moved to Susan who was still standing near the window.

"You should have seen yourself last Monday, Carter. You should have seen the shocked and worried look on your face when Abby broke down and started crying. You should have seen yourself rushing to her without hesitating for even a second. And you should have seen yourself holding her gently and carefully as if she's made of porcelain. I may be your friend, Carter, but I'm not blind."

They both stood there in silence, staring at each other for a moment. Then Carter finally broke the silence.

"I…I don't know what to feel. I did once but now?" 

"You know what you're feeling, Carter. You just have to stop denying it, stop running." Susan moved closer to Carter and gently touched his arm.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You must hate me. I'm feeling like crap."

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Remember? You're my friend, John Boy." Susan smiled and Carter had to smile back.

"Carter, what we have…look…it wouldn't work. And it's not about Abby. It's just… not enough, you know? Something is missing. And I know you know what I mean."

Carter nodded and hugged Susan.

"I don't deserve you", he whispered into her ear, then released her.

"I..uhh..I better go now."

"Yeah." Susan tried to smile and both walked to the door. Carter took his coat, opened the door and turned around to look once again at Susan.

"Bye."

"Bye, Carter", she replied and watched him walking downstairs.

"Oh, and Carter?"

Carter stopped and turned his head.

"Yes?"

"Go to her."

……

Chicago City Cematory

Sunday, 21st November 2001

Chicago

3:25 pm

Abby was cowering at her mother's grave, laying down a bunch of white flowers on the dark gravestone. She placed a hand on the stone and a tear ran down her cheek. Maggie had always loved white roses, she'd even had white roses back in the day as a beautiful bride. Abby had once seen a picture, showing her mom and her dad as bride and groom. She'd looked wonderful as a bride. And she'd looked happy and relaxed on that day. Something, Abby hadn't noticed very often on her mother later on. Most of the time she'd seen her depressed, her eyes red and swollen after days and nights she'd spent crying. Happiness replaced by an expression of apathy and indifference on her face before she'd finally started another attempt to cope with her depressions at another therapy. She remembered how often she'd been angry with Maggie, how often she'd had to suppress the upcoming feeling of just sending her away, just closing the door whenever her mom had decided to show up in Abby's life, destroying it, her relationships. How often she'd wished she'd just disappeared and never come back and now? She was gone. She wouldn't come back. And she'd give her everything for getting her back, for just one last word, for telling her how she loved her and had always loved her. But she was gone. Why was she losing everyone and everything that was important to her? Why? Why now?

Abby sighed and another tear slid down her cheek. "Oh mom", she sobbed. She was glad she was alone, now that the funeral was over. It had been the right decision to tell her friends and collegues at the ER to stay away from the funeral and send flowers instead. And they'd all accepted her wish. Even Richard had not appeared at the funeral and that was something Abby had really appreciated. She hadn't been quite sure whether she'd been able to stand all those strange and pitying looks she'd have got from them. She knew she could count on them and that they would be there for her - no matter what - but this time, she'd just decided to get through this on her own. She had to be strong. At least that was what her inner voice told her.

Abby was brought back to reality when suddenly, she heard a few steps behind her back. Quickly wiping  away the tears with her thumb, she jumped to her feet to have a look at whoever was standing behind her.

"You?" She couldn't trust her eyes and didn't know whether she should be happy to see him here or not. Like Abby, he was completely dressed in black, his hands tucked into the pockets of his coat. She wondered whether he'd been at the funeral and whether she just hadn't seen him but she wasn't quite sure.

"Hey." 

"Hey." Abby's voice was thin and low. "You attended the funeral? I didn't notice…"

"Uhh..no. Mark told me you didn't want anybody to attend the funeral, so I stayed away", Carter answered.

"I see." She nodded.

Carter moved closer to Abby and looked down at the grave for a while. Abby watched him.

"I still can't believe it. If only we knew the reason why such things happen to us."

"You think an explanation would help us to cope with destiny or to make us feel better?" Abby rubbed her hands and hugged herself in order to warm up a little. It was cold and the icy wind was blowing through her dark hair. She tried to tuck it behind her ears.

"No. No. Sorry. I was just thinking…" Carter himself didn't know why he'd said it. He wasn't quite sure what to say at all. Why couldn't he just tell her what he'd planned to tell her, that he cared about her, was worrying about her, ask her whether she was okay? Damn, he could have kicked himself for acting like an idiot.

"An explanation wouldn't bring her back, Carter. It wouldn't let my bad conscience disappear. It wouldn't improve anything. We never get an explanation for what destiny has planned for us. Never. That's life and we've got to face it." Her tone got rougher and she was getting more and more excited. Her eyes were looking afar as she continued to speak.

"Life means nothing but to lose. We know that but we still keep on living our lives because there are things and people that are worth living for, that make us feel strong, that build up the illusion in us that we could actually win something. And just when we think we could cope with everything, they disappear. One after another." She paused for a moment and looked at Carter who was staring at her and listening to every word she said. He felt a constant urge to interrupt her but he was glad she was talking to him at all, so he let her go on.

"And you know what?" She took another strand of hair behind her left ear. "We can't even complain since we knew the rules." Now her voice was filled with bitterness and Carter couldn't stand it anymore.

"Okay." Carter crossed his arms.

"Okay?" Abby raised her eyebrow. That was all he'd to say?

Carter nodded. 

"Yes. If that's a reason to close the door before even opening it. Okay. If that's the reason for ending something before it could even start. Okay. It's good to know, Abby. It provides an explanation for ME." Now his voice had a slight taste of bitterness in it.

Abby's eyes snapped wide open and she stared at him in confusion. She wasn't sure how to interpret his reaction.

"What? Wait. I just would like to know whether I got that right. Was that a kind of reproach? You are trying to teach me? YOU are telling ME I am the one who's shut the door? ME? What about you, Dr. Carter? Did YOU keep your doors open?" Abby blushed and got angrier with every word she was saying. She couldn't believe that she'd actually said what she'd just told him but it felt good. 

"That's not the same, Abby. You were trying to use me as an alibi for ending your relationship with…"

He was interrupted by Abby.

"…with Luka? Oh, here we go again. So it's all my fault, right?! Right?!", Abby cried at Carter. "You just came to tell me that?" She tried to walk away but Carter quickly took hold of her arm.

"No. Abby, wait! I came…I was worried…I care about you…"

Abby teared herself off and looked at him, her eyes filled with tears and anger.

"Care about me?! Oh right. I forgot. Like you cared about me for the last few months?" Abby laughed with a touch of sarcasm. She turned around and quickly walked away.

Carter followed her a few steps, then stopped and yelled back at her, "Yeah, just run away, Abby! That's what you can do best, right?! Run, Abby." Carter panted and angrily kicked with his feet against a nearby tree. "Dammit!"

…..

John Carter's apartment

2:45am

Chicago

RIIIIIIINNNNGGGG!

Carter was woken by the loud ringing of his telephone. His eyes snapped open and he moved around to pick it up, then decided to ignore it. He was too tired and he didn't care about whoever was trying to call him at this time of the night. The additional shifts he'd done during Luka Kovac's and Mark Greene's absence were already starting to kill him and the additional trouble he was currently having with Abby didn't actually improve his situation. He felt tired, sleep-deprived and exhausted and for god's sake – he wouldn't pick up the phone! He could already hear Weaver's voice, "Carter, sorry to call you at this time but we need you here. It's an emergency." It was ALWAYS an emergency. He didn't know why she was even stressing it. He knew that she wouldn't call him for measels. 

RIIIIIINNNNNGGG!

Carter sighed and drew one of his pillows over his head. He wouldn't pick up, he wouldn't.

RIIIIIIINNNNNNNG!

"Grmpfff!" He angrily threw the pillow away and tried to find the phone on his night-stand in the darkness of the room. He finally found the switch and turned the light on, then reached for the phone with his right hand. Picking it up, he hoped that whoever was on the phone had a VERY good excuse for calling him around 3 am in the night. 

"Carter", he mumbled with a sleepy voice and rubbed his eyes with the other hand. He waited for response but nobody spoke. "Great", he said to himself. That was exactly what he needed now. Someone playing tricks on him in the middle of the night. He was starting to lose patience.

"Funny. Mind if I laugh tomorrow?" He was about to hang up when he heard someone sobbing silently on the other side of the phone.

"Hello?" Carter sat up in his bed.

"Carter?" He heard a familiar voice say.

"Abby?" Now he was wide awake. Her voice was thin and she was crying, so he could barely hear her.

"Abby what…?"

"Help me." She cried silently.

"Abby, where are you?"

"Home."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes, okay? Abby?"

" 'kay", she answered, still crying.

"Don't go away." Carter quickly hung up, jumped to his feet and pulled on a white shirt and his jeans. He ran to the door, grabbed the car keys and left the house, not even bothering to pull on his coat. He didn't feel the cold or noticed the snowflakes the icy wind was blowing into his face, moistening his shirt and his hair. All he could think of was Abby and what was wrong with her. He had to get to her as quickly as possible, no matter what.

….

Abby Lockhart's apartment

3:12 am

Chicago 

When Carter arrived at her apartment door, he was completely breathless and leant against the doorframe for a few seconds to catch his breath. He was afraid, afraid of what would be waiting for him in Abby's apartment. Taking another deep breath, he knocked on the door and called her name. But Abby didn't answer nor opened the door. 

"Abby! Abby, it's me, Carter! Abby!" He yelled but again got no response.

He told himself not to panic. Whatever was waiting for him in there, it wouldn't help anybody if he started to panic. Carter couldn't stand it anymore and tried to rotate the doorknob and to his own surprise and relief, the door opened and he entered the apartment. 

He remembered the last time he'd been here. How excited he'd been to take Abby out to his grandma's charity ball and what fun they'd had spending the whole night dancing, talking about this and that and finally destroying the tire's of Richard's car. Abby had told him that if she hadn't been wearing a bridemaide's dress, she'd thought this to be her prom night and they'd bursted out in laughter. Yes, it had definitely been a great night.

Yet, this time, Carter felt uncomfortable as he kept walking into her apartment. He couldn't find her in the living room, so he headed for the bedroom and the bathroom and called her name but he still didn't get a response. His heart started beating faster and just as he was about trying to imagine what could have happened to her, he found her standing in the kitchen near the sink unit. When she looked up at Carter, he could see that her eyes were red and swollen and tears kept running down her cheeks uncontrollably and she'd a desperate expression on her face. He looked around. Empty bottles of wine and beer were standing on the table and in the the sink and suddenly Carter felt his heart sinking into his pants. No, that couldn't be. He told himself that she hadn't drunk. It couldn't be. Please, god – no! Carter moved closer to her and nodded at the bottles that were surrounding her.

"Abby, what…" Carter tried to ask and looked at Abby, his voice showing his concern.

"I….I…wanted to…but…but I didn't…", Abby cried desperately and bowed her head.

"…I didn't. I…I…poured it down the sink." She looked up at Carter who was paralized and her eyes told him she was longing for a reaction on his side.

"Oh my god, Carter. I almost …oh my god…"

Carter moved closer and Abby let herself fall into his arms, her head resting in his neck and her fingers resting on his back, digging her fingers into his shirt. 

"Oh god…" Abby kept crying.

Carter held her as close a possible and let his head rest on her shoulder. He closed his eyes and a slight touch of relief filled his face.

…

 "Feeling better?" Carter asked Abby as she came out of the bathroom. He was sitting on the couch and watched her carefully.

"Little bit", Abby answered and sat down next to him. 

Both kept sitting in silence for a while. The only sound that could be heard was the wind that was constantly blowing against the windows of Abby's apartment.

"How could it happen?" Abby began to speak. 

Carter turned his head to face her.

"Abby, you're a human being, not a robot. You never know when it will happen."

"I know. But it scares me. I… I felt safe. Strong."

"You're never safe. And it's not a question of being strong or weak. It's just sometimes, you can't move back or forth and it seems to be the only way to escape from everything." Carter knew what he was talking about. He'd felt the same urge to take some pain killers a few months ago after he'd had a busy day.

"But I have to be strong to move forth, Carter."

"No, you don't. Why? Nobody expects that of you, Abby. Nobody expects you to get over Maggie's death within two days and nobody expects that you live your life without making mistakes. You don't have to force yourself to be strong."

Abby sighed.

"It's not that easy, Carter. It's not easy to allow yourself to be weak when you've seen yourself forced to be strong your whole life." 

Carter nodded. She was right. After all she'd had to gone through during her life, after all she'd told him, he could understand why she was always trying to be the strong one. Why she didn't like to open up to someone else. Why she'd rather drown her sorrows with alcohol instead of asking for help.

"It scares me."

"It scares you to lose control over your life, when things are getting out of hand?"

Abby nodded. "Kind of. It's like losing the feeling of safety when I lose control over things. With alcohol, things are getting out of hand, I can't control them anymore. That's what scares me most. So I try to keep my life easy, convenient to avoid trouble,  personal catastrophes because I fear the consequences."

"Even if that means you're building an invisible wall around yourself?" Carter gazed into Abby's eyes but she avoided his gaze. 

"I'm crazy, uh?" A light smile appeared on Abby's face.

"You? Crazy? Have you ever seen one of Dave's Elvis performances in the cafeteria?"

Abby stared at Carter for a second, then both bursted out into laughter.

"Yeah, can't beat that." Abby laughed.

"See." Carter smiled at her. It was great to see her laughing again. In this very moment, he realized how he'd missed to laugh with her, to talk to her or just to sit next to her and watch her while she was speaking. Watching how she'd always used to tuck her hair behind her ears whenever she was nervous, how she was just being Abby.

"Carter?" Abby got serious again.

"Hm?"

"Thanks." Their eyes met for a moment. 

"Wait until you'll know my hourly wage." He smiled.

But Abby leant forward, cupped his face with her hands and placed a quick kiss on his forehead. Carter couldn't move or stop gazing into her eyes. His hands started to tremble. One part of him wanted to draw her closer to him, to hold her, but something deep inside of him refused to do anything, telling him it wouldn't be the right thing to do right now. And before he could think about it any further, Abby got up and rubbed her hands together.

"Geez, I'm cold. I think I'll make myself a cup of hot tea. Want some?" 

"Uhh…Yes, why not." 

"With sugar?"

"Not for me, thanks." 

"Alright then."

She turned around and walked into the kitchen. Carter leant back on the sofa and yawned. He was tired but tried to keep himself awake by taking deep breaths and rubbing his eyes. Then he closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated on the sounds that were coming from the kitchen. 

…..

"Okay, your tea, Sir." Abby went to the couch, putting the two cups of tea she'd been carrying with her on the small table in front of the couch. Carter didn't move and moving closer to him, she saw that he'd already fallen asleep. She tried to reach the blanket that was lying on the other side of the sofa and carefully wrapped it around his body. Then, Abby sat down in the nearby arm chair and kept watching Carter while sipping her tea. She'd loved to wake him because there was so much she still had to tell him, things she'd hidden for so long, that became clear to her when he'd been holding her in his arms, things that had always been clear to her but she'd been unwilling to accept. Feelings that were still scaring her. Yet, she wouldn't wake him. She knew that he'd to take Luka's shifts and would probably have to do another shift in a few hours, so there was no way she could ever wake him. Instead, she enjoyed the feeling of having him here, beside her. Being with him after all that had devided them for the last few months was a great feeling. Abby smiled. He was amazing. An amazingly talented young doctor and above all – an amazing person. Her friend. Her best friend. Still. Suddenly she felt really bad. She felt bad for doubting his friendship, his loyality, their relationship, for doubting that he'd ever stop careing about her. She wished she could just turn back time to take back every silly word she'd said to him and to reveal everything she hadn't told him. She had to talk to him, no matter what. She didn't want to lose another important person in her life before she'd a chance to sort things out. Even if it was impossible to reveal everything she had felt and was still feeling to him, even if there was another one he cared about, she would at least tell him she was sorry. No matter what.

…..

Monday, 22nd November 2001

9:30 am

When Abby awoke, her whole body was aching and she realized that she'd spent the night in the arm chair. Yet, she smiled. It had been the first night since ages that she'd slept like a baby. All it would take was a  shower and she was sure she'd be a new person afterwards. Her eyes wandered along the sofa where Carter had fallen asleep some hours ago. The blanket was still lying at its place but Carter wasn't there. Abby called his name just in case he'd be in the kitchen or taking a shower but he didn't reply, so she assumed he'd already gone to work. She was about to stand up and take the two cups of tea with her back into the kitchen, when she found a little piece of paper lying under one of the cups. She could barely decipher Carter's handwriting but it said, 

'Hope you slept well. Just in case – I'm at the ER. 

P.S.: the cold tea tasted horrible. 

                                                       Carter.'

Abby grinned, put the piece of paper into her pocket and walked into the kitchen. There was a lot of stuff that had to be cleaned up.

….

County General Hospital

Chicago

Emergency Room

8:15 pm

"Haleh, you know where Dr. Finch is? I can't find the Gothrick report." Jing Mei asked Haleh who was talking to Malique behind the reception desk. Haleh turned around and shrugged her shoulders.

"The last time I saw her, she was talking to Dr. Benton in room 3."

"I know. I've been there a few minutes ago but she wasn't there."

"Met her at Doc Magoo's. She's taking her break." 

Jing Mei turned around at the sound of a familiar voice and seeing who it was, she'd to smile.

"Abby! Hey! You're here? How are you? I never thought you'd be back already this week."

"Well, I don't feel like a party queen right now but it's okay so far."

Jing Mei nodded. 

"I know. You want to start working, though?"

Abby shook her head.

"Oh, no. I just came to settle some things."

"I see. Anything I can do for you?" 

Abby looked around and then back at Jing Mei.

"Uhh, maybe. You know where Carter is?"

"Actually yes. He's in room 2, treating a little young man."

"Okay, thanks, Deb. Then I'll go meet him there." 

"Yeah. And I'll try to catch Cleo as soon as she comes back. See you, Abby."

"Bye."

Abby smiled politely and made her way down the hall. She pulled off her gloves, tucked them into the pockets of her coat and a strand of hair behind her ear. She took a deep breath before finally pushing against the door. 

….

Carter heard someone entering the room but couldn't look up since he was busy setting an infusion on the boy's arm who was sitting in front of him on the bed. After a few seconds, Carter sat up and touched the young boy's shoulder. 

"See, didn't hurt that much, did it?"

The young boy shook his head and smiled in relief. 

Carter stood up and turned on the infusion.

"You'll feel better soon, you'll see." Then he turned his head towards Abby.

"Abby?" He was certainly surprised to see her here but at the same time, he was worried that something was wrong. 

"Everything okay?" He moved towards her.

Abby nodded.

"Uhh, yes. Everything's okay. I just came to…" She paused for a second as she was trying to find the right words.

"…Uhh, can I talk to you? You have a few minutes time?"

Carter wasn't sure what she was on about but agreed.

"Um, sure."

"It's not that important. You don't have to…We could also talk later.." Now Abby was studdering. 

"Abby, it's okay."

"Really? I mean if it's not convenient for you…."

"I'm off in about 15 minutes."

"Oh..okay.  Meet at the bench near Magoo's?"

Carter smiled. 

"Alright. See ya there." Abby agreed.

"Yep."

Abby turned around and left the room.

…..

Sitting on the bench near the river, Abby took a look at her watch that was telling her she wouldn't have much time left before she'd meet him. Carter. She could feel her body tremble but wasn't quite sure whether she was just freezing or whether it resulted from her nervosity. Why was she nervous at all? She'd just meet her friend, she'd just tell him some things she'd been longing to tell him for a long time. She'd just tell him how important their friendship still was for her and try to get things right between them. Yes. Nothing else. Trying to save their friendship respectively the pieces that had remained. So why did she have to be nervous anyway? She wasn't afraid that Carter would leave her. The last night had proved the opposite. He still cared about her, didn't he? But what was he still feeling? Would he like to save their friendship as well, after all that had happened between them? She took another look at her watch. 8: 45 pm. Abby leant back and wrapped her arms around her body to keep herself warm. If only she'd knew how to start, how to start without destroying their already slightly damaged relationship even more. She sighed. She wasn't good at such things. She wasn't good at talking about her feelings. Something deep inside of her wanted to stand up immediately and run away. If only…

"Hey. Sorry I'm late." Carter dropped his bag on the ground and let himself sink on the bench next to Abby who quickly raised her head.

"Hey. Never mind." Abby replied, smiling.

"That was definitely the last shift I'd to do for Kovac." Carter sighed and yawned. He was definitely fed up with all those extra shifts. It was about time for a break.

"Luka's going to be back soon?" Abby asked, frowning.

"Yeah, he should be back by Wednesday. I dunno exactly when. He didn't tell you?" 

Abby looked down.

"No….uhhhm…haven't talked to him for quite a while."

Carter watched her and bite his lip. He already regretted having asked her about him. He thought that she was probably still not over him and he himself….well, he wasn't sure as well whether he'd really like to go on with the Luka topic again. And above all – he was sure it wouldn't be the right thing to discuss for Abby right now. She'd had enough trouble for the passed days.

"Sorry." Carter answered quickly. "I didn't want to.."

Abby tried to give him a little smile.

"No..it's okay. Really." She snuggled into the black scarf she was wearing.

Carter nodded.

"Okay."

They both kept watching the river silently for a while, then Carter's turned his eyes to Abby.

"Feeling better today? His voice was filled with concern.

"Yes. Slept like a baby." 

"I know. You're still asleep as I left for work. I tried not to wake you."

"You didn't", she answered, her eyes focused back on the river. 

"Carter?"

Carter turned his head.

"Hmm?"

Abby hesitated for a moment before she continued.

"What I said to you…you know, at the my mom's grave…I didn't mean to hurt you. I know you still care about me." 

"Forget about it, Abby. You were depressed, sad. People often say things they didn't intend to say when they're sad. It's okay."

Abby sat up and her eyes met with his.

"No, it's not. You were right. But I was angry."

"Angry? About me?"

Abby nodded.

"About you, about myself, about us, about the way things took the wrong direction. I was angry because I'd missed the chance to tell you I cared about you, too. And I was angry because you shut the door and ran away just after telling me you were seeing more in me than just a friend. That didn't seem to be fair to me, Carter."

Carter's face froze at the words she'd just said to him. It was new to him that Abby did actually talk about why she was pissed and what made her act this way. But he knew that if he'd like to save at least their friendship, if he'd like to talk to her as they used to talk again, there was no way than taking the chance now and to be honest towards her.

"Didn't seem to be fair? Abby, you never even tried to take the opportunity and tell me about your feelings. I still don't know what you're feeling."

"You never gave me a chance to reveal anything. You'd already shut the door behind you, Carter. I tried to get through to you, I told you I broke up with Luka but you were too stubborn to see that…"

But Carter cut her short.

"I never told you to break up with him because of me."

"I know. I broke up with him because of  ME. I always cared about Luka and I still do. I spent a long time with him, Carter. But I had to realize that I didn't love him. We had nothing in common. Our relationship was nothing but convenient for both of us. It provided the feeling of safety, of having someone at your side without ever getting too close. Without open up to the respective other, letting him touch your soul, without feeling vulnerable. Yes, I was afraid to let go of him but only because I'd risk to lose this feeling of safety, the feeling of an easy and non-complicated life and lovelife. It wasn't because I was still in love with him."

Carter listened intently. Did he really hear what he'd heard? Did Abby actually tell him about her true feelings? He was stunned but then tried to react to what she'd just told him.

"Carter?" Abby tried to get a reaction from him.

"You know what I mean?"

"Yes. Yes, I know what you mean. It means you chose our friendship. A friendship is best for you. That's what it means", he answered, his voice getting harsher.

Abby raised an eyebrow.

"No. That's not what it means. I didn't choose our friendship. I chose YOU, to be with you. But you had already found someone else, someone you knew, someone whose feelings you could be sure about, someone you could trust. And I don't blame you. You never know who you fall in love with…and…"

"We broke up", Carter shortly replied.

Abby faltered for a second.

"What?" 

"It wasn't right for both of us." Carter bowed his head and stared on the ground.

"Sorry." Abby's eyes were filled with concern as she gently squeezed Carter's hand with hers.

Again, silence filled the air and neither of them dared to look at  the other one. Then, Carter rose, leant against the railings in front of Abby who looked up as she saw him moving. Keeping his gaze focused on the ground, he continued, lowering his voice.

"Abby, the problem's not just Susan or Luka. It's about us."

"What are you on about, Carter?"

"I know that you mean more to me than just a friend and even if you're feeling just a little bit of what I feel for you – why the hell are we sitting here then?" His gaze fell on Abby whose face was filled with confusion.

"I mean, it seems that we can be together, we can get close but only when someone of us is in need of comfort? You said you needed me. Why, Abby? You need me for not being alone? Don't get me wrong – I'll always be there for you. But the fact is that I'll always be there for you when you need me, when you ALLOW me to be there for you. It's hard to cope with such a situation, Abby."

Abby got angry and jumping to her feet, she moved a few steps away from him.

"Is that what you're really thinking, Carter? You know that it's not true."

"I don't know anything, Abby. But I know that it doesn't work this way and that it will probably take time. Nothing but time. Sorry." 

With these words, Carter turned, picked his bag up from the ground and started to walk away slowly. Abby froze and couldn't move. She'd seen him walking away this way some months ago and seeing it again, it felt terrible. She didn't want him to leave this way again, to leave her, her life. But she didn't know anything she could do to make him turn around, make him stay. As Carter was about to disappear around the corner, a tear ran down her left cheek and she started crying in his direction, hoping he would hear her but aware that he couldn't.

"You know it's not true! You know it's not true!"

….

County General Hospital

Chicago

Tuesday, 23rd November 2001

7:30 pm

 "Where's Carter?!", she yelled at Malique who was standing at the reception desk, as raging into the ER without even careing about people and staff that jostled against her. She didn't care about the strange looks she got from the patients, her collegues. There was only one thing she wanted to do and she'd do it, no matter what.

Malique was confused and stuttered.

"Uhm..room 1", was all he could say before Abby started hurrying down the hall, without even answering. 

As she arrived at room 1, Abby pushed against the door without knocking or careing about whether there was a patient in there and what he or Carter would think of her. Carter already HAD his own opinion about her and anything relating to her, so there was no need to care about anything. Both Carter and the patient, an old man, turned around in surprise as Abby walked straight to him. 

"Abby? What…", he mumbled, frowning at her.

But before he could say a word, Abby rose her hand and went on.

"Shut up, Carter!" Shocked by Abby's angry voice and the way she was talking to him, he decided to keep his mouth shut. Even if he'd wanted to say something, he wouldn't have known what to say at all.

Then, calming down a little bit, she continued.

"I don't care about whether you'd like to hear it or not and I don't care about what you're thinking about me 'cause I can't do anything against it. I know that you've already made up your mind concerning our relationship. You never asked about MY opinion, so I'm going to tell you what I am thinking, what I am feeling, Carter. You know what I'm thinking? You told me I was running away, running away from you, from us, from getting too close. You're right. I was. And I told you why. It scared me and it still does because I've never felt this way before. I've never met anyone like you before. You're amazing, the most wonderful person I've ever got to know. You're funny, you care about your friends and your patients with so much passion, you give them hope when they've lost faith and hope. And you'd never ask for something in return. Just a smile from you will make my day. I feel alive when you're near. You make me laugh and make me cry, you read my mind and you touched my soul when nobody else could. I love the way you look at me, the way you run your hand through your hair whenever you're angry or nervous,  I love the weird ties you use to wear and I miss your scent when you're not around. You make me a whole person." 

Carter was paralized as he listened to her words, words that took his breath, words that were so honest, that came so straight from the heart, that were so unusual to hear from Abby. It was breathtaking and he couldn't take his eyes off her.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she went on.

"Those feelings still scare me 'cause they are so new to me. And what scares me most is the possibility of losing all this, of losing you as I've lost most people that stood close to me. But I won't run, I won't run anymore, Carter. YOU're still running and I'm afraid you'll never stand still, you might never stop. But even if you'll never stop, I want you to know that…" Abby looked down, then back up deep into his hazel eyes. She felt she could drown in them.

"…that…I love you…" 

"Why can't  you see it, Carter?" Tears filled her eyes and before Carter could react, Abby pushed against the door and rushed outside. Carter watched her, his mouth open. It took him a few seconds before he actually realized that Abby had just told him she loved him. She loved him. Straight from the heart. That was what he'd always wanted and now that he'd got it, he didn't know what to do, he was unable to move. He felt his legs weaken and his heart was turning somersaults. He shrugged and told himself to wake up. Without hesitating one more second, he headed outside and ran down the hall. Jostling against Kerry Weaver, he almost lost his stethoscope. 

"Geez…Carter!" Weaver yelled at him but he didn't care.

"Where's she?"

"Who?"

"Abby."

"She ran upstairs", Kerry Weaver answered, shaking her head. 

Carter quickly raged back down the hall and ran upstairs. There was only one place she could be. 

As he reached the roof, he pushed against the doors and went outside. It was cold but he didn't care. He watched out for her and finally saw her leaning over the balustrades, looking afar at the fantastic skyline of Chicago. Her long, dark hair was blowing in the wind but she didn't turn around.

He strolled to her and stopped, standing behind her. Abby inhaled his scent and knew it was Carter. Yet, she didn't want to face him, to look into his eyes after all she'd told him some minutes ago. However, she knew it was senseless. There was no way to escape. There was no way back. She couldn't take all those words back. She was fearing his reaction. She was fearing the look in his eyes when she'd turn around. 

Carter slowly moved closer to her and Abby could feel his chest touching her back, she felt his heartbeat. It was fast and exciting. When she felt his hands carefully resting on her shoulders, she trembled. She told herself to relax but gave up as he let his hands slowly wander down her arms and taking her hands in his. Watching his hands entangling with hers, she slowly turned around and their eyes met. As he slowly rose one hand to her face, caressing the side of it, Abby wanted to say something but was stopped by Carter who carefully placed one of his fingers on her lips.

"Ssshhh", he whispered, moving his face closer to Abby's, trying not to lose eye contact. As he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, Abby closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation of feeling his lips on her skin. She felt him placing another kiss on her cheek, then another one near her lips and then, for a second she felt nothing but his warm breath gently touching her skin. With her eyes still closed, Abby moved even closer to let her lips meet with his. The moment their lips met, Abby had lost her fears and her body relaxed. The fear of losing safety, of becoming vulnerable suddenly faded away. She'd never felt safer than she was feeling now,  right here in Carter's arms. This feeling was exciting and new but it felt right. In this very moment, her mind had accepted what her heart had already known: She loved him as he loved her. She could tell it from the look in his eyes, from the way he was holding her tight, from the gentle way his lips were touching hers. Cupping her cheeks with his hands, Carter drew her even closer to him and the kiss became more demanding and passionate. With Abby's hand resting in his neck, then stroking through his hair, he felt his body shivering, his blood raging through his veins. Having her here, holding her close and kissing her was more exciting, breathtaking and amazing than he'd ever imagined it would be. 

After what seemed like eternity, Carter and Abby finally parted to catch their breathes and Abby had a huge smile on her face.

"So…um..does that mean that you probably like me, too, Dr. Carter?"

Carter grinned.

"Kind of."

Abby laughed. "Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yep", she nodded, still smiling. 

Carter released her from his embrace and offered his arm.

"Wanna go with me ma'am?"

Abby took hold of it.

"Oh, but where to?"

"Telling Dave that I got his girl. What did you think?", he joked around and Abby grinned back at Carter as they slowly walked off the roof.

"It'll upset him, Carter."

"I know."

They stopped at the door and looked at each other for a while, then both said at once,

"Who cares?!", and bursting out laughing, they walked inside and closed the door.

The End

Other ER stories at fanfiction.net written by me: "Star"

Feedback and comments are highly welcome! Just send it to or  Saskia.Albert@t-online.de or review.

Thanks for reading. Love ya all! ;-) 


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